For J
by storiesbycandlelight
Summary: A Dasey fic told through a Jogan plotline: Derek knew that Casey hated his guts and yeah, he probably deserved that. But he needed her if he was ever going to find Julian again. T for language.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I'll try to keep it short. Basically, this fic is stylistically quite different from what I normally do, and I think that's because 1. It's very plot-focused moreso than character, like usual, and 2. Derek's voice decided to come out like this. xD I'm really not going to claim this is a Jogan fanfic- it does have elements of Jogan, and more of it later on, but mostly, this fic TURNED INTO a Dasey fic. I quite enjoy Casey too. Or at least, the Casey I made up in my head. ;) I hope her and Derek work out her issues in canon.

So uh yah, this will have chapters- not many. I'm going for three, four maximum, each chapter 2000-4000 words depending how I split it up. Thanks for stopping by to read it! Hope you enjoy yerself.

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><p>They found the note inserted inconspicuously between the pages of Logan's sheet music, six days after the actor had dropped off the face of the planet.<p>

"Forgive me," was all the note said. "and I'll forgive you."

It was signed, simply, J.

* * *

><p>It was obviously meant for Logan, addressed to Logan in its strategic placing, but Derek was the one who was bent over the desk, agonizing over the note. Logan, when he saw it, had thrust it into his arms and walked away; later, he simply spat that Julian was just looking for some attention. And yeah, Derek had to admit, Julian loved a good show. Julian was an asshole— a melodramatic, flamboyant, over-the-top asshole—but never had he pulled a disappearing act on either him or Logan just for kicks and giggles. And Derek knew what Logan did not—there was a stalker at large, and Julian had decided to stay put in fear of his life.<p>

So the only reason he would have ever left the safety of Dalton was that it was no longer safe for him anymore.

"Fuck," Derek cursed low. "Fuck, Jules. Why the hell are you doing this to us?" He turned the note over in his hands, but there was nothing on the back, nothing scribbled into the margins. The side was ripped, from where Julian had quickly torn it out of his notebook. Julian had been in a hurry.

No other clues. No other words. Just some ripped-up, useless sheet of paper with a shitty goodbye not even meant for him. Derek crushed the piece of paper in his fists and felt like screaming.

_What, Jules? Don't I get a fucking goodbye too? _

* * *

><p>Day Eight:<p>

_Hold on D, phone's ringing. _

_I know, I can hear it. Nice ringtone by the way. _

_Really? Do you have to comment on everything? Wait a second..._

_Who is it?_

_Casey. _"Hello?"

_CASEY?_

"Uh…yeah, I'm okay…"

_Casey Lambert?_

"Yeah, I'm with him… sure, I'll put him on."

_CASEY LAMBERT?_

_What other Casey would want to talk to you?_

_Not this one—what do I say?_

_Just take the phone!_

_Logan, what do I –_

_Just take the phone, D._

_But I haven't talked to her in over six months! What does she want? Why the hell is she calling—_

_TAKE THE PHONE, YOU SPINELESS MANWHORE._

…_._

"…Hey."

"Hey, dumbass."

_A sigh._ "Why'd you call Logan?"

"Well, I deleted your number a long time ago. But I figured you'd be shadowing Logan like the good babysitter you've turned into. So this is the deal—"

"What the fuck? You can't just call me up to insult me—"

"I didn't, I called to pass along some stupid message to you from Julian."

"…Julian?"

_Jules? Jules called her?_

_Yeah—"_You've talked to him?"

_What did he say? _

"Uhm.. Not exactly. A while ago. But he said I wasn't supposed to call you for a week, but yesterday I forgot because of—well, stuff. And I didn't actually talk to him, I got a letter in the mail from him, along with a letter to you."

"…Me?"

_Derek, what did Jules say to her? What's going on?_

"You should come and get it. It seems really serious, Derek. I…I think something's wrong."

"Yeah…I'll come and get it right after class, okay? I'll come in the usual—uh, the way I used to."

"…don't you think that's a little risky? What if one of the girls sees you before I do?"

"Tell your crazy friends I'm coming over then and NOT to throw textbooks at me this time!"

"I won't guarantee anything. Your funeral."

"Mean."

"Asshole."

"Bitch."

"Slut."

"Common sewe-you hung up , didn't you? Casey? Casey…? Fuck."

_Your love for one another moves me, Derek_.

* * *

><p>It been a long time since he had gone to Dobry Hall for any reason. It was weird that only six months ago he had spent the majority of his time sneaking there to see Casey, and though it was a long time ago and felt like a dream, he still remembered the way.<p>

Logan was not with him. Logan had refused to come. Saying things like Julian was being an idiot and he wasn't going to indulge the primadonna in his petty games. Derek wanted so badly to yell at Logan all of Julian's secrets just to shut the blonde up. It was either that or Derek would have to punch him in his mouth. Whichever one came first.

He arrived at the Prima dormitory and easily located the tall oak tree, even though the sky was a dim, foggy gray. He rolled his eyes at himself as he began ascending its tall frame, pulling himself up, branch-by-branch, feeling like some absurd mix between Tarzan and Romeo, except Casey Lambert was no Jane or Juliet. She was more like…Xena: Warrior Princess.

He laughed at the comparison. Casey would love it if she heard it.

He jumped onto a balcony and made his way toward the last window on the far left, which was always open because of a broken lock. It led into one of the hallways on the second floor (there were two more above that), and many a time he had entered and been quickly chased out with one of Hope's wild war cries. But now as he peeked in, he couldn't see anyone there. Not even Casey, which was a bad sign, but if he could make it down the hall to her room, he would be fine.

He lifted the window open and climbed through, landing onto the soft Prima carpet with a light thud.

And immediately got a book hurled at his face.

"SHI—NO—" He put his hands up as Hope threw another one at him with all the strength she possessed in her arms. She marched toward him, her perfect curls disarray, bouncing with every angry step she took.

"What do you THINK you are doin' here? Get out RIGHT NOW before I call the police!" Hope yelled at him and began to viciously assault him back toward the window.

"Will you just calm down?"

"Calm down? CALM DOWN?" Hope screeched and swung her textbook at him. "I have been plenty calm and patient with the likes of you! I had to put up with you and Ms. Lambert's monkey business when you were datin', but I no longer have to put up with such inappropriate—" _thrwack_, right on his shoulder "—inexcusable—" _thrwack_ "—downright immature and childish—" _thrwack, thrwack_—

"Don't forget loud and disruptive," Casey slid out from around the corner, leaning against the wall with her arms crossed, smirking slyly at Derek with an actual twinkle in her brown eyes. Her Dobry blouse was unbuttoned completely, revealing her black undershirt, and her tie hung loose and casual around her long neck. Her hair was sloppily held in what was most likely a loose pony tail. Between Hope's swinging textbook attacks, every glimpse of her was like a glimpse into his own past. She hadn't changed one iota.

"Okay, Hope, you can stop now," Casey said, standing up straight and letting her arms fall to her side. "It's cool, I asked him to come over."

"CASEY, that don't change anythin'! Boys are not allowed in this house, if you remember!" Hope cried. "No boys! NO. BOYS. Am I speakin' the same language as y'all yet?"

"It's not that we don't hear you, it's that we don't listen. He'll only be a few minutes," Casey smiled sweetly. "I swear."

"You always say that, Casey."

"I cross my heart…" she crossed the room and gently extracted the textbook from Hope's hands. "He'll be gone before you even know it."

Derek watched as the Dorm Leader had a miniature spaz attack, wringing her hands and shaking her head, her curls bouncing around her vigorously. Eventually she let out a large, loud groan and stalked away, throwing her hands up in the air.

"Don't do anything stupid, Casey!"

"I never do!" Casey called after her. When she whirled back on Derek, her sweet smile was gone. She grabbed his wrist and dragged him down the hall, ignoring the looks from her fellow Primas as she shoved him into her room and slammed the door behind her.

"Was that really necessary?" Derek hissed at her, rubbing his wrists. "I can walk by myself, you know."

"I didn't know if you remembered the way to my room," she smiled witheringly at him. "Now sit down and I'll give you what you came for, okay?"

"Fine."

"Fine."

"Okay."

He slowly sat down on Casey's bed, and folded his hands awkwardly in front of him, staring down at his feet and the floor beneath it. The room, much like Casey, had not changed. Her bed was still a mess, covers ripped up, pillow on the floor. There were still clothes dropped here and there, though it looked like she had made some attempt to tidy up—he tried not to think about what that could mean—while her desk was covered in papers. On the other hand, her bookshelf was meticulous, and he bet that if he checked, it would still be organized in her funny little way—by the colors of the covers.

He watched her scour through her papers and after biting his tongue for a solid minute, he couldn't resist.

"I always told you you should get organized," he said.

She shot him a glare. "Oh shut up. Some of us can't be perfect Mr. I-never-lose-anything."

"If you had kept up with the filing system I showed you…"

"Ha, like I would have taken the time out of my busy day to indulge in that crap."

"You liked it when we were…dating," Derek smiled.

"Correction: I liked you when we were dating—FOUND IT!" she yelled and held up an envelope in her triumph. "See? I don't need your stupid systems."

"Sure you don't," he deadpanned. His eyes trailed her as she slowly (hesitantly?) came over to him and..sat down next to him, handling him the unopened envelope. She folded open another piece of paper as well and thrust it toward him as if it were on fire.

He took it and read it silently.

"_Dear Casey…I hope you can forgive me for making you do this, but can you help me out, get this envelope to Derek a week after you get it? And not a day sooner? Don't call him and tell him about it. Please, wait. I really need your help. I know you barely know me, but if it's any consolation, I feel like I know you. Derek still talks about you all the time." _

Derek was red by the time he got to the end, where he made a mental note to strangle Julian whenever he found that son of a bitch. He cleared his throat awkwardly and looked to the plain envelope in front of him.

"You didn't open it?" He asked, running a finger under the flap.

"No. It wasn't mine to open. I would never betray someone's trust," Casey's eyes flickered upward and caught his for just a moment. His face instantly got redder.

"R-right," Derek mumbled and then ripped into the envelope, trying to stop his fingers from shaking and his mind from thinking too hard.

Because what if this was it?

What if this was his goodbye? No one had heard from the actor at all in eight days now. He had not turned up. He had not contacted his mother or father or his castmates. And if this was all he had left of Julian…

"Goddamnit," he hardly breathed the word, mostly felt it, in each shaking bone in his body as he unfolded the single sheet of notebook paper, similarly ripped to the one Logan had found. It was blank on the back, nearly blank on the front—but at the very top, in crooked writing, there was a number.

"555 345 6793"

And that was all he got.

A reckless wave of anger overtook his entire body and a roar of frustration burst from his chest as he chucked the paper across the room.. Casey's hand gripped around his bicep the next second, stopping him from jumping up and kicking something, which is really what he wanted to do. He wanted to fucking kick and scream and strangle Julian for giving him a number, an impersonal, cold number.

"Derek!" Casey hissed. "Calm do—"

"No, FUCK that," he yelled at her and ripped his arm away from her hand. "I don't know what's going on, Casey! I don't know what the hell is wrong with Julian and I feel like something is seriously wrong—"

"What if it's not?"

"AND WHAT IF IT IS?" Derek yelled at her. "What if—what if he's lying somewhere dead and this is all that's left of him?"

Casey stared at him hard. "That's the most stupid piece of bullshit you've ever said, Derek. Julian is NOT dead, okay?"

"How do you know that?" Derek snapped.

"Because, I'm smarter than you and I just do. I have no idea what's going on with you boys, but…" Casey got up from the bed and crossed the room, lifting the crumbled up piece of paper from the floor. "…this isn't just a number." She crossed back toward him and slapped it into his hand. "It's a phone number. Call it."

Derek sighed for probably the hundredth time that night, but took his phone out nonetheless and dialed in the mysterious number. Underneath Casey's watchful hawk eyes, he listened as it rang and rang. And then:

"_Hey it's Julian, forgive me for not picking up or whatever. I'm somewhere else obviously and I can't get to the phone, so call me back later unless you're Derek and Logan, in which case you're probably just too lazy to walk down the hall and look in my room, so you should probably get your asses moving. Anyway, I have to go practice lines or do some other shit that's more important than you. Leave a message." _

The phone clicked, then beeped, but Derek did not have anything to say into the phone. He simply breathed, fingers clutching this literal last lifeline, though he knew that it was a dead end. Julian would not answer him. This wasn't even his real number. Whatever this was—some half-assed attempt at a joke or maybe his method of getting a message across (that they were no longer important)—it stopped here. Derek shut his phone and buried his face in the palms of his hands.

"Who was it...?"

Derek took a long, full breath of air into his lungs and squeezed his eyes shut. "No one."

Casey's hand hovered gently on top of his but he could not bring himself to look at her and could barely feel her there, making the gesture more bittersweet than it should have been.

Even Casey couldn't fix this.

* * *

><p>Day Ten:<p>

When Derek opened the door to Julian's room, he found Logan there, tearing through it like a tornado, ripping the bed apart and shoving things on the floor, things breaking, crashing, shattering—Logan not caring. He moved with a singular purpose: to destroy.

"Logan!" Derek slammed the door and sped to his friend's side, but was instantly shoved away as Logan attacked Julian's desk, flinging his things everywhere. He took several sheets of paper and tore them in his hands, took Julian's laptop and hurled it to the side, pushed the books onto the floor. Logan only paused when he came to a tiny little snowglobe—a souvenir. With an animalistic scream, he grabbed it and flung it at the opposite wall. It smashed and for a split second, the air shined and sparkled, before the pieces all settled in a dejected pile on the carpet.

It was the smash that sent Derek into action again.

"Logan—goddamn it, what the hell are you doing?" Derek shouted and launched himself at Logan again, gripping his shoulders and hauling the blonde away from Julian's personal things.

"GET OFF OF ME!" Logan elbowed him in his chest—hard. Derek stumbled back with a hoarse rasp, breath knocked out of him. Gripping his chest for just a moment, he hurled himself back at Logan, yanking the boy away, gripping both his arms as tight as he could.

"LET ME GO!" He kicked and scream liked a fucking toddler and got a hand loose.

"Stop acting like you're insane!" Derek screamed back

"_LET ME GO!"_

"Why are you so DIFFICU—" Derek was blindsided with a fist to his face and he stumbled to the side, bumping into Julian's desk. His hand steadied himself against it but his eyes only saw stars—stars and Julian ripping out pieces of paper and Casey peeking around the corner and a number written in ink and Casey's knee socks and loose tie and sloppy room and hair and smile—

The anger inside him bubbled, overflowed and he clenched his fist.

Derek opened his eyes and flew at Logan, shoving him straight into the wall, feeling nothing but satisfaction as the insane blonde crumpled to the floor. Fuck him. Fuck him and his anger. Fuck him for not noticing Julian. Fuck him for not caring when Julian disappeared. Derek was done taking this all on himself and he watched, satisified—even happily—at the sight of Logan on the floor.

Then Logan's face began to contort with pain as his anger subsided and the shock rattled him out of his fit of rage. Derek stared as Logan turned shell-white and empty, staring at his shaking hands in disgust.

And then Derek wasn't so angry anymore. He was just tired.

He went to Logan and sank down in front of him.

"Logan, what's going on?" He asked his friend softly.

"It's my fault," Logan immediately said, voice trembling, running those shaking fingers through his hair. "I don't even know what the fuck I did, D. But he…he's not responding to any of my calls—texts—emails—all of it. He's gone and it's my fault."

Derek swallowed and looked down at the carpet. "Of course it's not, Lo."

"It _is._ The note says so. He wrote that note to torture me, that goddamn prick, and it's working—it's getting to me," Logan wiped at his eyes. "I tried not to care, to just ignore the fact he just got up and _left_, but I…I can't, goddamnit," Logan again wiped furiously at the tears, but they were coming faster than ever. "Where the hell is he?"

"I don't know," Derek shook his head. "I don't think there's anything we can do—look. Take your meds, okay? Put this out of your hea—"

"NO!" Logan practically shouted. "I don't want it out of my head. I've spent the last ten days trying to pretend it was nothing, but fuck, there has to be something, some clue...something he left behind in here, just—something."

Derek's eyes widened. "Wait…you..might be right."

The message replayed itself in his memory-

"_Hey it's Julian, forgive me for not picking up or whatever. I'm somewhere else obviously and I can't get to the phone, so call me back later unless you're Derek and Logan, in which case you're probably just too lazy to walk down the hall and look in my room, so you should probably get your asses moving…"_

Fuck, the message _was _a clue. Derek sat straight up. He should have known! It wasn't just a phone message, it was directions to look in his room and to do it as quickly as they could, because he was _somewhere else_ and _couldn't _get to the phone. _He was unable to_.

The room grew colder as if Julian's ghost had suddenly descended. Derek instantly banished the thought. Julian wasn't dead—yet

He jumped up and began pacing. "God, you're right Lo. Holy shit, you're right! Get up! Julian left us something."

"What—"

"I'll explain everything, just—his scripts!" Derek cried and threw up his hands. "OF COURSE! Logan where the fuck does he keep all his scripts?"

"Hell if I know!" Logan was scrambling up less-than-gracefully, eyes still red. "What's going on?"

"A phone message—" he tore out the drawers in Julian's desk and dumped out the contents, flipping through the papers and throwing them over his shoulder. "—Julian left me a number on a sheet of paper, I got it from Casey—you said you didn't care at the time, that's why I didn't tell you, so don't bitch at me, okay?"

Surprisingly enough, Logan did not say a word, only nodded and joined Derek in his haphazard search for who-knows-what. They pulled out drawer after drawer, looking for the old scripts that Julian had hoarded in his room and had practiced obsessively for hours. With each paper that passed through Derek's fingers, he felt himself grow even more desperate, yet closer still, to the answer—or the next question.

Twenty minutes into the search, Logan froze and his breath stuck in his throat.

"Derek," Logan said his name hoarsely. His body was rigid. Derek stared at the blonde, waited for him to show him whatever it was, but Logan didn't move. Derek reached out and took the current script that was clenched in his hands.

He turned it over. Across the page, in blood red ink, Julian had written FORGIVE ME.

"Is this it?" Derek stared at the words, hating them intensely in this stupid moment. "This is all?"

"No," Logan murmured. "This was in between its pages."

And Logan held up a CD. It was labeled, simply, _Beautiful. _

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><p><em>An: don't worry, this is continued. I have most of it written, but I need to figure out how to break it up. Unfortunately I didn't get to heavily edit it, but since I am going on a CRUISE for a week (WHOOOO) I wanted to get something new out, especially for all of you who follow me on tumblr and were askinb about what I was up to. :) Well this is what I'm up to! _

_If you would like to, leave me a review! I love getting them. 3  
><em>


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: The newest chapter of "For J" for your enjoyment! I won't keep y'all long, I don't have much to say about this part, only that I enjoy Casey's character way too much. xD I wish I knew more about canon!Casey, so I can't keep fucking her up royally...but ah well. I figure this is the type of girl that would hold on to Derek for two months. Anyway. Now I'm just talking to talk.

Disclaimer: I'M NOT CP. CP IS CP. THIS IS A PATHETIC ATTEMPT TO IMITATE HER GLORIOUS WORLD. ALL CHARACTERS BELONG TO HER.

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><p>Logan played the song over 100 times that night as they sat in the ruins of Julian's room, paper, glass, and broken plastic surrounding them. They said nothing—Logan simply hit replay, over and over, closed his eyes and eventually, drifted to an uneasy, nightmarish sleep. Derek could tell it was nightmares because of the way he frowned, and the way his fingers clenched.<p>

But they were all together again for one moment. Him, Logan and Julian, the "Golden Trio" standing tall amongst their very own wreckage. Sometimes, Derek had no idea how they ever remained upright, but then he would remember that it was each other's shit that kept them on their toes. Now that they were split up though, their little Roman empire was toppling. It would only be a matter of time before they all fell down.

He took out his phone at three o' clock and called Casey. Surprisingly, she answered.

"It's 3 in the morning. Do you really hate me this much?" Casey groaned into the phone.

Derek laughed quietly. "Sorry."

"This better be life-threatening. You better be calling to tell me you found him. If you don't say so, I'm going to have to rip your balls off."

Derek glanced over to the CD player, Julian's voice still keeping him company. "We didn't find Julian. But the message on the phone led us to a CD. He's singing on it."

"…great." Casey yawned.

"Casey, I…" _I'm really fucking sorry for cheating on you and I want to take it back, so you'll take ME back._ "…what are you doing tomorrow?"

"Not hanging out with you."

"I need your help."

"I did my part, Derek. I delivered Julian's message, I fought off Hope's attacks and even escorted you safely out of Prima with all your precious man parts intact. What more do you want from me?" she sighed.

"Your brain? Your superior intelligence…? Look, you're involved in this, like it or not. Julian left a note with you too. You, me and Logan. Who knows the fuck why. But I can't find him without you."

"I don't even KNOW Julian that well, okay?"

"Please, I just need you to help me piece together where to go next."

The conversation paused and Derek heard the creaking of her Prima bed. In his mind's eye, he imagined her sitting up and stretching her long limbs out, eyes half-closed, fingers digging into her palm as her body tensed then relaxed. She let out another sigh.

"Please?" He said again.

"Just…fuck. Give me one good reason."

"I'll owe you one."

"You'll owe me TEN after this," Casey grumbled. "Urgh, fine. Fine, fine, FINE," she groaned again and the sound of her Prima bed squeaking as she flopped back onto it made Derek smile. "Listen, Seigerson. Put that song on your ipod and meet me outside Prima at 5:30 in the morning and don't be late because I WILL leave without you."

"Casey, that's in two hours!" Derek exclaimed. But she had already hung up.

* * *

><p>He was up before Logan, before the sun, before most of Stuart House. There were still a few stragglers, dozing on the staircase with a textbook underneath their sleepy heads, a pencil lazily trailing something that once resembled notes, but besides those crazy overachievers, Derek was the only awake one in the whole house. And he was awake—he felt wide-awake, really. He downed a cup of coffee and took two to go just in case, though one was for Casey. Something in him still remembered chivalry, though maybe he was just more tired than he thought.<p>

He got to Prima at 5:28, and Casey stepped out the door a second later, dressed in her sweats and running shoes, long hair tightly bound back, not a trace of make-up found on her renewed, morning-lit skin. Derek grinned like an idiot at her in her most natural Casey-ish state. This was the way he had first met her, and back then, he had found her to be damn attractive.

He still thought so, but kept the thought to himself and extended the coffee to her, olive branch with it.

She rolled his eyes at him and the coffee. "You know we're going running, right? You haven't forgotten that's what I do every morning at 5:30?"

"No I haven't forgotten, but I figured we'd chat before," Derek shrugged.

"I don't 'chat' with you anymore," she took both coffees from him. "If we drink, we'll get cramps."

"Maybe YOU will. I run every morning and down three cups of those things."

"So the legend is true—Stuarts are made out of expresso," she smirked at him. "Where's your ipod?"

He dug it out of his pocket and she took it from him, sticking it in her ears and scrolling through until she found_ Beautiful_ by Julian Larson. She pressed play. Her mouth twitched into a half smile almost immediately.

"Alright, let's go," She set down the coffees, sped down the steps of Prima and was off, leaving Derek cursing and fumbling with the tie of his sneakers. Hell, if Stuarts were made out of expresso, Casey was a sugar high on crack.

He launched after her, following her waving pony tail and the thud of her sneakers against the pebbly trail that deepened into woods. It was the same path he used to take six months ago, only backwards. He used to start at Dalton and wind through this little patch of wild to find Prima, while Casey would speed toward Dalton and pass him in the middle. When they started dating, they traveled the path forward and backward every morning, until direction disappeared, lines became circles, and the trail continued infinite.

But for the first time ever, after ten minutes, Casey stopped. She stopped in the middle of the trail, hands going to her hips as she breathed hard and fast, her breath appearing like mist in the morning air.

Casey removed the earbuds from her ears and, swallowing, spoke.

"You ever think Julian just left?" She panted, turning to him. " Just said… 'Fuck it, I'm done with this shithole and all these shitty people.' And then he decided to just screw with your head—punish you and Logan for whatever the hell you did to piss him off?"

Derek shook his head immediately. "No. Julian's not that big an ass, Case."

"Yeah, but—but it seems so reasonable!" Casey started to chuckle. "Like…why deal with it all when he can run away to another life? A life that could be just as beautiful, if only he lets go of THIS one, y'know?"

Derek frowned. "He would never throw us away. We're not just some hobby, you know, we're part of his life. It's not that there are two Julians, just two parts of the same guy that make up a whole. Lose one piece and you have half a person, and it's…not the same," He felt a sinking feeling in his stomach. " Why? What are you saying—that's what you got from this song?"

"Sorta," Casey shrugged. "Maybe you just don't want to accept the obvious. It's done. He's moving on. He doesn't want to deal with you anymore."

"That's not what the song is about," Derek felt that growing pit of anger deepen inside him. "It's not what it's about at all. He's not that type of person, okay?"

"But it's still possible-"

"No, it's _not_!"

"Oh, and what do you think it's about, O Great Song Guru?"

"It's about making the best out of a shitty situation!" Derek started yelling. He didn't know why he was yelling—fuck it, he couldn't stop. "It's about saying goodbye to the ones you love, not because you fucking WANT to, but because you have to and you have no other option! Because things will only get worse if you stay, so you try to find the good in what's in front of you. That good, it's all you have left. It's what makes it bearable. It's not about getting fed up with something. It's about loving something enough to just let it go!"

"Then why don't you just _let him go_?" Casey shot back.

"Because- !" The words flew out of Derek's mouth. They were all dried up. He threw up his hands in defeat. "I—I don't know! Because I'm selfish, I guess! He doesn't get to just let us go, not without us having some sort of fucking say in it—and besides, I feel it—he wants me to find him."

"You don't know everything, Derek. Some people just want to be left alone."

"Yeah, and you don't know everything either, and some people want help but won't say it out loud," Derek growled.

Casey stared at him far too long, her jaw clenched—he could pretty much see the steam rising from her ears. He was annoying her. Whatever. She was annoying him. She was supposed to help him, not tell him that Julian was abandoning him. That's the last thing he wanted to hear.

"Okay then," Casey rolled her eyes. "If you're so insistent on tracking the poor boy down, then maybe he's being literal again."

Derek blinked. "What?"

"As in, he means what he's saying_ literally_," Casey's eyebrows raised and she dragged the word out. "Instead of figuratively? Like in English, how sometimes the red wheelbarrow is just red. It doesn't represent anything, it's just red because the author wanted it to be that way."

Derek nodded.

"Well Julian's been pretty literal so far. He's hiding his clues in plain sight," Casey explained. "He told you guys to look in his room- I mean, he did it in a roundabout way but he didn't hide it in a riddle or whatever-and he pointed you to his scripts. So maybe it's the same for this song, maybe it's speaking literally instead of figuratively."

Derek thought this over, but couldn't wrap his mind around it, not when he put the idea to the lyrics. It didn't make sense that the song would be literal. "So he's literally going to 'Beautiful'? Is that even a place?"

"Maybe. I don't know what every city in America is called," Casey shrugged. "The song doesn't just say that, it says things like "Over the mountain, I see the bright sun shining." Maybe he's in the mountains. Did you ever go to the mountains during one of your little Golden trio get-aways?"

"Yeah, we went to Julian's cabin in the Rocky Mountains. It's right above this really tiny town called—" Derek stopped. "Hold on…"

"Oh my god, is it called Beautiful?" Casey chuckled. "I swear, if it's called Beautiful…"

"No, no. It's—holy HELL—it's called Forgiveness. Forgiveness, Colorado," Derek smacked himself in the forehead, his thoughts spinning together, everything making wonderful sense. "Goddamn, Julian's in fucking Forgiveness, Colorado!"

_Forgive me and I'll forgive you. _

He had told them where he was the entire time.

_Hey, it's Julian, forgive me for not picking up or whatever… _

That asshole. That ASSHOLE. The note to Logan, the message to him, the writing on the script. It was all pointing to Forgiveness.

And so that's where Derek would have to go too.

* * *

><p>Day 12<p>

"There is no way in hell you're leaving me behind, Derek."

Derek leaned against his car and crossed his arms, jaw set. "I said no, Logan. You're Stuart prefect. You HAVE to stay."

Logan glowered at him. "No. Fucking. Way. Even if I have to fight you to get in that car, I'll do it. I'm not a puppy dog. You can't tell me to sit and stay and expect me to listen and wag my tail."

"Sit. Stay. Be a good Logan," Derek smirked. "Yup, look at that. I _can_ tell you what to do."

Casey giggled from where she was perched on the hood—and stuck out her tongue when it earned her Logan's evil eye.

Over the past few days, Derek had managed to keep his planning for the trip to Forgiveness—which would take them approximately 20 hours if they were to drive all the way through—from Logan. It had not been the easiest task. Logan had inexplicably decided to latch on to Derek and follow him wherever he had wanted to go, and though the prefect wouldn't admit it, Derek knew it was because he was struggling with Julian's disappearance. Every now and then, Derek would catch him listening to the message from the mysterious phone number, and each time, he would never leave a message of his own, simply close his eyes and listen to Julian's voice. It was beginning to show on his face—his eyes permanently tired, hair often bedraggled and a sudden interest in taking his pills, if only to dull the hurt of it all.

But Derek knew that if Logan came, and they didn't find Julian—or they found him, and Julian was in some way hurt—it would just get worse. At least at Dalton, Logan could worry and wonder and hope. Derek couldn't steal that last glimmer of hope from him.

Unfortunately, he had somehow found out and bringing him along was looking unavoidable.

"Derek, don't make me beg. You know I deserve to go. Hell, you're taking Casey, _your ex-girlfriend_, but you won't take your best friend?" Logan exclaimed. "That doesn't even begin to make sense! First of all, I thought you hated him!" He rounded on Casey accusingly.

Casey just shrugged. "I didn't _want_ to go, Lo, he groveled at my feet until I agreed. And let's be real, he'd get lost without me. Personally, I want you to come."

"Oh, you WANT me to come," Logan sneered. "You—wait, what?"

Casey laughed. "Yeah. I liked you the best out of Derek's friends. You're the most real. You say what you think, you act on your feelings, don't bother with the lies or the bullshit," She gave him a big smile and a shrug. "Why do you think I still have your number?"

Derek stared at her, mouth agape and Logan's bafflement grew. He stared at her dumbly.

"What?" Casey shrugged again. " Is that really so odd? Having him along would actually be fun. I wouldn't just be stuck with your ass all day for one," she gave Derek a withering look and turned to grin at Logan again. "Yeah. We could hang or whatever. You should come."

"Uh, Casey, can I speak to you over HERE for a moment?" Derek hissed and stalked over angrily, pulling her off the hood of his car. He couldn't believe his ears—not that she liked Logan so much (though that was still pretty weird), but that she was deliberating encouraging him, which was definitely not cool.

"What's your deal?" Derek whispered angrily, as soon as they were far enough for Logan not to potentially overhear. "You agreed it was best to just do this ourselves!"

"Noooo, I never said that_,"_ Casey yanked her wrist away from him. "I agreed to help you find Julian. I agreed that we should keep it quiet. I never agreed to keep this from Logan. In fact, I assumed he was going this whole time! And I'm not going to go if he's not."

Derek's eyes nearly popped out of his head. "_WHAT?_"

Casey crossed her arms tight across her chest. "You heard me. Derek, the only reason I'm even doing this at all is because, honestly, Julian asked me to help. Not because you did, but because he did. He wanted me to be on this stupid road trip."

"What? What? Wait, no, he just wanted you to pass along his message to me," Derek replied. "He wanted you to help with that. I'm the one who needs you to come along, Casey."

Casey's eyes flashed and in an instant, she was furious. "You think I'm just his damn post owl, don't you?"

"I never said—"

"Wasn't it you who said that he wanted me to be involved?" Casey took a step forward. "Or was that just you sweet-talking poor little ol' gullible me into falling for your act again?"

Derek took a step back. "No, no, Casey, that's not what I—"

"Newsflash, dumbass—" she reached into her pocket and rapidly unfolded a piece of paper, revealing Julian's letter to her. She shoved it in Derek's face. "Read it."

"Casey, I—"

"READ IT!" she barked.

Derek cleared his throat. "Uh…'_Dear Casey_…," he read slowly, "…'_hope you can forgive me for making you do this… but can you help me out, get this envelope to Derek a week after you get it? And not a day sooner? Don't call him and tell him about it. Please, wait. I really need your help_—'"

"There! See?" She ripped the letter away from his face. "He said he needed my help too. He even asked me to forgive him. According to our running theme here, this means I'm officially part of his game and I get a fucking say in it. And Logan should too—so I say and Logan says that Logan is going. Got it?"

Derek felt like he was being pushed into a corner with no way out, pinned to the wall by Casey's furious eyes. After struggling with himself for a whole minute, he threw up his hands in defeat.

"Fine!" He snapped. "Whatever. Fuck it. Just…go get in the car."

It was like the anger simply evaporated from Casey's features, her eyes bright again and her smile showing her teeth and dimples. Sticking the letter back where it came from, she pushed past him and flounced her way back to the car.

"I call shotgun!" She shouted at Logan. "That's right, bitch, get in the backseat!"

Derek clenched his jaw and pinched the bridge of his nose with his fingers. He could already feel the headache coming on. The next day of his life was going to be a new kind of hell.

* * *

><p>ooc: Shorter chapter but I'm posting the next one tonight anyway. :P Hope you enjoyed, sorry for the wait!<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Oh, hello there. Here's the next part to my fic. Hopefully I'm splitting it up relatively well. Expect about two more chapters, but if my 'epilogue' is shorter than I am expecting, then I may be able to stick it on for an extra super special last chapter. :D I dunno if I like these chapter fic things. They are much more stressful than my usual, but maybe that's because this is sorta like a mystery and I have no IDEA how to do that. Psssh. I'm just going with it.

I hope you enjoy ze fic! Thanks for sticking around, or tuning in, or clicking on it or whatever. I really really appreciate your feedback and I feel as though I am truly becoming a better writer because of all of you. And if you're here from tumblr, why hello, friend, thanks so much for following me all the way to Fanfiction land.

Disclaimer: No really. I'm not CP. I didn't write Dalton. I don't own whatever products I have mentioned in this fic. I'm just a teenage girl who sits on her computer all day.

* * *

><p>It had been a long fucking day.<p>

They stopped at 12 at night, pulling over to the first motel they found in a tiny town somewhere in Blue Springs, Missouri. They had driven 12 hours straight and Derek was most definitely ready to collapse onto a motel bed and sleep for days. It wasn't even the freaking driving, it was the insanity within the car, having both Casey and Logan in one place at one time, with one goal in both of their insane little minds: make his life suck.

And they were definitely succeeding.

Tomorrow wouldn't be as bad, Derek told himself. Tomorrow, Logan was going to sit up front so he wouldn't have to deal with _Casey,_ who liked to change the radio every five seconds, who liked to eat in his car and get crumbs EVERYWHERE, who couldn't sit still and squirmed worse than a four-year-old toddler with ADHD addicted to energy drinks and pixy stixs, who smelled like citrus and probably tasted just as he remembered.

Sure, Logan would probably deride him and his driving the whole time, but at least he would sit still and smell like normal, unappealing boy.

This road trip really was the worst idea he ever had. Thank god it was half over.

Logan beat him into the shower, slamming the door shut the minute they entered their motel room, leaving Derek to prepare the beds and wait around until it was open. In the middle of taking off his socks and shoes, the door swung open and Casey leaned in. "I just put my stuff in my room, so I'm going to go get something to eat, okay? There's a bar right down the road."

Derek stopped in the middle of pulling off his left sock. "Uh. No you're not."

Casey slowly blinked and leaned against the door frame. "And why is that?"

"Because I said so and it would be a horrible idea."

Casey's frame slumped against the doorway and she groaned. "What? Babysitting Logan isn't enough for you? You've gotta babysit me too?"

Derek resisted the urge to throttle her and pulled his sock back on. He stood up and walked toward her. "Case, partying at Windsor is one thing. I don't care if you get drunk there. But this is the real world. We're not at some high-class private school anymore. It's not safe to go to a bar alone in the middle of nowhere and get drunk."

"Who said I was going to drink? I'm underage anyway," Casey mumbled and fiddled with the hem of her shirt.

"You know that they'd sell it to you anyway. You're hot, Casey. They're gonna wanna get you drunk so they can fuck you."

Her eyes darted up from the carpet and to his face, and her expression was nearly unreadable, her eyes dark, though they stared straight through him. She stared at him for a few more seconds, before her lips parted and she murmured something.

"What?"

She shrugged, "I can take care of myself, you know."

"But you're not invincible," Derek stared down at her, biting his lip. "Let's just go to the gas station across the street, buy some crappy snacks, and eat them in our crappy motel rooms. Now doesn't that sound more fun than a bar?"

"No, it sounds like what me and my girl friends used to do when we were eleven. Thanks, Derek, but if I wanted to go to a slumber party, I would have stayed in Prima and let Hope paint my toenails pretty princess pink."

"Hey, we can do that too. I'll get the nail polish," Derek grinned and was surprised when his comment actually earned a laugh out of Casey, a smile that looked genuine and kind. The sound of her laughter again, over something he said, made his heart flutter like he was a schoolgirl. "C'mon, let's have our own slumber party."

"Fine," Casey giggled, clasping her hands together. "…But only if I get to paint your toenails too."

* * *

><p>They raced across the street, the Cheshire smile of the moon shining above the little, dingy gas station across from them. Derek beat Casey, but she swore it was only because his legs were longer and he was the one who said "Go."<p>

"The person who says "Go" always wins," Casey explained, nodding seriously. "It's fact."

They held a new race—first one to find the moonpies would win. Casey insisted on being the one to say go this time and she counted—1, 2, 3, GOAT. Derek fell for her nasty little trick and for his penalty, Casey got a headstart of two seconds.

This was also cheating in Derek's book, but whatever.

Down the aisle, up the aisle, Derek grabbed whatever he thought looked mildly edible, but anything with chocolate was a must-have. He nearly bumped into Casey, who, of course, successfully held the moonpies.

"Do we have money for all this?" Casey asked him. Derek did not really know—he was putting it all on Logan's card anyway.

He located the cheap beer in the back, whipped out his fake ID and bought two packs of the stuff, along with their three bags of total junk food that neither of them will finish. The cashier rung them out without even looking at his ID, but Derek figured that, considering the stubble on his cheeks, the cashier thought he was of age anyway.

They ran back, but they didn't race this time. They ran side-by-side instead.

Logan was asleep by the time they got to the motel, passed out while still in his clothes, _Beautiful _playing on repeat, his phone clutched to his chest. Derek did not have the heart to wake him up, so he tiptoed to Casey's room and sat on her bed, dumping all the snacks out there.

And they quickly, and easily, got drunk.

"Okay, okay, my turn," Casey grinned. "Never have I ever...kissed a girl."

"That's not even fair! You're such a cheater," Derek removed his other sock and threw it at her. She made a face and flicked it onto the floor, giggling through her grimace.

"Oh and "Never have I ever worn a thong" wasn't cheating?" Casey exclaimed.

"Hey, hey, I know guys who like that, it was so legitimate," Derek popped a dorito in his mouth and crunched loudly, speaking through his food. "Plus I wanted to know if you did."

"Now you know," Casey wiggled her eyebrows, took a swing of her beer. "Ahh…okay, go."

"Never have I ever stayed up the entire night."

"Pussy," Casey brought her shirt above her head, but she was wearing a simple black lace cami underneath. "I had to do that for a fundraiser, dude."

"I value my sleep, s'all."

"I value the children."

"You probably don't even remember the charity," Derek said and instantly got hit in the face with a pillow. He grabbed at it and tried to tug it away from her, but only tugged her closer to him, as she clung to it fiercely, and he gave up before she did, letting her yank the pillow back.

"Okay…," Casey pursed her lips. "Hmm…never have I ever gotten punched."

Derek threw his shirt to the side. "But you've punched someone before."

"Multiple times, multiple people, but they always deserved it." Casey adjusted her position, lying on her side and popping a Dove chocolate into her mouth. "Hey…y'know how you said that thing before?"

"Uh, sure," Derek mimicked her position and supported his head with his arm. They were lying horizontal, face-to-face, no more than two feet apart. Derek could smell the beer on her breath and the scent of her shampoo, but he tried hard not to think about it.

"You know," she continued, playing with a loose string on the bed. "When I wanted to go to the bar and you were like 'No don't, men will get you drunk and have sex with you bla bla bla bla bla bla.'"

Derek slowly nodded. "Yeah…so?"

"Well isn't that what you're doing now?" Casey smiled devilishly at him and tugged at the string. "Getting me drunk and naked so you can have sex with me?"

The taste of the cheap beer tasted a whole lot more bitter now. He licked his lips. "No, it's…it's so completely totally different."

"Nuh-uh," she shook her head and tugged at the string again.

"Yeah huh…I mean, like, they would have been strangers and we're like, sorta friends…maybe, so it's not the same at all," Derek stared at her hand as she tugged. Why the hell was he so nervous? "Like they would take advantage of you and shit, but I wouldn't do that."

Casey stopped tugging the string. Her hand went still. Slowly, Derek looked back up at Casey and saw that she had the same expression as earlier, eyes dark and unreadable, not quite kind or vicious, but definitely penetrating.

She blinked at him, said nothing, just downed the last quarter of her beer and crushed the can in her hand. She tossed it to the side. She inched a little bit closer to him, and reached out and took his beer and finished that as well, in one fell swig.

"Whoa now—"

"Never have I ever," Casey interrupted, crushing the can again, "cheated on a person."

The room got deathly quiet.

Derek couldn't move—his blood was frozen in his veins, but he was burning with guilt.

"Here," she whispered, somehow very close to him now, having closed most of the distance without him even noticing. "Let me help you with that." Her hand slid down and undid his belt, yanking it out of the loops and throwing it behind her. Her mouth was set in a determined line. "Your turn."

Heart beating fast, he said, "Never have I ever regretted dating someone."

Her cami slid over her head. Her bra, a simple black solid bra, mocked him and her silent answer to his silent question burned in his brain. He wanted to cry.

"Never have I ever kept secrets from someone I care about," She whispered, her hand unbuttoned his jeans.

"Never have I ever _taken advantage of someone_," She unzipped his fly, blinking rapidly— he could see the tears in her eyes.

"Never have I ever broken someone's heart," Her voice broke and he watched the tears fall, the hole in his heart growing. She squeezed her eyes closed and with a quivering sob, she began to tug down his jeans—

He stopped her.

"Yes," he whispered. "Yes, you have."

Her head snapped up and her eyes, glimmering with tears, were wide and surprised. Her mouth parted as if to say something, but she didn't.

And he didn't know why he didn't move away then, like he should have. But now she was too close, her hands still resting on his hips, her citrusy smell muddling his rationale more than any alcohol ever could. And her mouth, looking soft and parted slightly, almost like an invitation. And so he reached out and wiped away her tears, held her face and kissed her, like the stupid boy he was.

Casey kissed back. It was a soft kiss, no tongue, just their breath intermingling and their lips tasting each other again, through the salt and the beer.

It was just what he remembered, all that he wanted, and everything he would never deserve.

And then Casey's hands came up to his bare chest—his skin tingled where she laid them—and she pushed him away.

"No," she said brokenly. _"No." _She took his hand away from her face and sat up, wiping away the tears that were now rapidly falling from her eyes, her body shaking.

"Casey, please, wait—" Derek sat up as well and grabbed her hand, attempted to get her to stay with him—

"NO!" She shrieked at him and flew off the bed. "Get the fuck away from me!"

It was like the world was crashing down on him again, and just like before, he couldn't walk away—he tried to pick up the pieces as they fell all around him and shattered on the floor. Derek jumped across the bed and went toward her, but she retreated farther and farther into the corner.

"Stop!" She was sobbing, all of a sudden hysterical. "Go away, Derek!"

"You need to listen to me," He pleaded. He reached out to touch her again—

She slapped him across the face.

"Don't touch me!" She screamed at him and pounded on his chest with her fists. "Don't you EVER touch me again!"

"Casey, please, let me just talk to—"

"STOP IT!"

"Casey, I _need you_—"

"I HATE YOU."

With immeasurable strength, Casey forced him back and there was nothing Derek could do—he couldn't overpower her—she was stronger than him. In every way. In all ways. She always had been and would continue to be, even now when he had made her cry, even now when he couldn't do the right thing and just leave, though he knew he should.

But Casey, like always, made him do the right thing.

She pushed him to the door and he fled her room, let her slam her door in his face, but he couldn't move beyond that. He stood staring at the door, listening to the sounds of Casey crying on the other side of the thin motel walls. Around four, her crying eventually stopped and she was asleep. Only then did he slide down into a sitting position against the wall, and let his exhaustion flood him, though it did nothing to drown his desperation. He cried himself to sleep

* * *

><p>In the morning, he woke up when Casey opened her creaking door, his body jumping at the unexpected, nails-on-a-chalkboard noise. Casey paused and looked down at him, her eyes unbelievably tired and red. She said nothing, dropped his shoes and shirt in his lap and retreated into the room.<p>

His head pounded. He felt like an iron wrench was pulling at his heart, uprooting it from inside his chest. His mouth still tasted like Casey and beer. He took a shower, but he still smelled citrus.

Logan asked him what was wrong, but he just told Logan to shut up, and threw him the keys. There was no way he was driving.

They all climbed into the car at 10, junk food from last night piled in the trunk, Casey in the front seat again, Derek shunned to the back. He put on his sunglasses and attempted to sleep, but every time he closed his eyes and drifted, there would be a sharp turn, a speedbump, and he would be jolted back into reality, and he would squirm in the silence. He could feel Casey's anger and he boiled in it.

He deserved it too. He was the one who messed up everything. He was the one who cheated. He was the one who got scared and who couldn't believe in them. Fuck, he was a walking cliché from a soap opera. He was the player who everyone loved to hate, who was terrified of his own heart and his own emotions. And because he was such a jackass, he cost himself Casey.

And he was the one who was selfish. He shouldn't have kissed her, as beautiful as she was, as sexy and hilarious and brilliant she was. He should have talked to her. It had been an opportunity to talk to Casey and apologize and he had missed it. Because he was selfish.

And he was the one who didn't leave. The one who pursued her when she didn't want to be pursued. Who pushed and pushed and scared her. He deserved to get kicked out, to sleep on motel carpet and suffer this silent treatment. Maybe she was right. Maybe Julian had gotten fed up and simply left, and here Derek was chasing him, like he was chasing Casey, when really Julian just wanted to be left alone. This journey was a joke. These roads led nowhere, to nothing, and certainly not to Forgiveness, especially for those who did not deserve it.

Two hours passed, no one said a word.

Three hours, Logan took them to a drive-through, they ordered, and went on their way, silently eating their food.

Five hours, Logan turned down the radio and asked Casey how she was.

Seven hours, Derek listened to Logan and Casey laughing and felt so insanely, immediately jealous and angry at Logan and himself.

Eight hours, a sign welcomed them to Forgiveness, Colorado, and sunset began.

Logan parked the car high in the mountains, by a visitor's center. "We have to walk the rest of the way," he said.

"Should we wait until morning?" Casey asked, peeking out her window at the brilliant red and orange painted sky. "How far is it?"

"An hour's walk straight up," Logan answered. "I don't want to wait any longer." He took the keys out of the ignition, threw them back to Derek, kicked open the door, and climbed out. Logan was going whether they followed him or not.

But there was no way Derek was going to let him do it alone. For a moment, he forgot about Casey and about his headache, and he climbed out of the back, opening the trunk so he could get their book bags of stuff—clothes or whatever—fishing for the flashlight in the pocket of his own. Casey took her own backpack silently, and put her hair up.

For a while, they were in silence just like the car trip, but as the day was growing darker, Derek could see that Logan was growing more and more tense. His jaw would clench and his fingers were rooting themselves deep in his hair, running his hands through the locks every minute or so. And Derek was nervous too. What the hell were they going to find?

He walked closer to Logan's side and clasped a hand on his friend's shoulder. "Whatever we find…it'll be okay, alright, man?"

Logan glanced at him and shook his head. "I don't know how you can say that. If we find nothing, I just…"

"We'll keep looking," Derek answered immediately. "Even if he doesn't want to be found. He doesn't get to run away. Not from us."

"Derek, can I just…" Logan stopped and shook his head, laughing quietly at himself. "It's stupid, but… I've been thinking a lot about everything Julian left us and what he wanted to say or what he was trying to say…and between the four-hundreth and five-hundreth playing of _Beautiful_, I realized that…I…he loves me. He loves me, doesn't he, Derek?"

Derek nearly tripped over his own feet in his shock. "Wh-what?"

Logan smiled. "I knew it! God, I've been so _stupid_, Derek. How can you stand me, honestly? Shit, Julian," He laughed again, at himself or at some joke that Derek was missing out on.

Derek was still speechless. "Wha—I still can't believe you finally—how—I—"

Logan laughed even more and looked down at his hands as he shook his head. "I don't really know. It was right after I realized that I cared about him way more than I was supposed to. I just kept thinking—'God, _fuck _Julian for leaving without me. Doesn't he know that no place is going to be beautiful enough if we're not there together? Why would he ever leave me behind?' Then, I realized…I wanted to be with him and that it was me who had chased him away, because I was such an ignorant prick that kept hurting him over and over."

"We don't know that for sure, yet, Logan," Derek murmured to his friend. "I still think he left against his own will."

"Forgive me and I'll forgive you," Logan quoted. "He might have been pointing to Forgiveness, but he was also telling me that I had hurt him. And y'know, until I did forgive him for leaving, I couldn't forgive myself for forcing him to, and I couldn't see that he loved me. He was right. He was fucking right about everything."

Derek stared at Logan and said slowly, "…who knew Julian was such a motherfucking wise guy, huh?"

Logan rolled his eyes. "Right."

They walked in a comfortable silence, shoulders brushing, for a little longer. Then Logan spoke again,

"Derek, will you forgive me too?"

"What for, dude?"

"For failing you as a friend. I haven't always been there for you over these years and I would never want to lose you, either, you know. If it was you instead of Julian—"

"Yeah, yeah, I know."

"No really, I want you to realize that I love you—"

"Oh dear god, shut up," Derek scratched at the back of his neck, his face glowing red. "I forgive you, Lo, okay? So long as you can forgive me for all of my shit as well."

"Derek…I think you're asking the wrong person here."

* * *

><p>When they arrived at the cabin, the sun was nearly gone completely, the last of its rays clinging to the bottom of the horizon stubbornly. Derek had his flashlight on, and Logan and Casey were using their phones for light.<p>

The cabin was ominous in the dark and seeing it lying between the trees, silent, dark, seemingly empty, sent shivers into Derek's skin. He had a horrible, horrible feeling about this and moved himself closer to Casey as subtly as he could. Around him, the wind picked up and ghosted through the trees.

"I'm not seeing any lights," Casey murmured to the both of them. "…I'm kinda freaked out here, guys. We really should wait until morning."

Logan stared straight on. "We came this far. It's just two hundred more feet."

"Yeah, and it's just twelve more hours if we _wait until morning_," Casey hissed to him, but he was already walking toward the cabin, no qualms, no concerns. His body was a rock.

Derek wanted nothing more than to reach out and take Casey's hand in his own and walk with her together, tell her that it would all be okay. He didn't dare though and simply followed Logan, feeling guilty when he heard Casey cursing behind him, following reluctantly. He remembered the Donald duck nightlight by the side of Casey's bed, and how she liked having the door to his room open just a pinch whenever she was there that night, and her confession that she was stupidly (adorably) afraid of the dark.

He looked back at her. She was scared now, but it didn't show on her face.

They stood quietly in front of the cabin for a few seconds, waiting for Logan to act. The prefect did not knock. He carefully turned the knob, expecting it to be locked—but it gave way, and the door creaked open.

Derek shined his flashlight in and illuminated the bloody face of Julian Larson.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: And I bring you the fourth and probably final part of 'For J.' I wish I could tell you for certain whether or not I plan to write an epilogue. Honestly, I am pleased with the way this ended. I feel like the theme of this fic was properly tied up and that Derek found his footing in a way I see as realistic (though I don't claim that it is). I think an epilogue would simply be too self-indulgent at this point, as a way for me to cling to characters longer than they want me to. So, take this as its ending and I hope you're happy with it. It's by no means perfect and I struggled with all three scenes, trying to keep with the vision in my head and the tone of the story. Hopefully you won't NOTICE that I struggled, but oh well.

Finally, some people are asking me why it's called "For J." Two reasons.

1. I wrote this for a friend who was going through difficult times. Her name is Jay. She is CP Coulter Writes my Canon here at and forgivemeannabelle on tumblr. I"m sure most of you dedicated Joganners know her. I wanted to write her something and I toyed with the idea of using 'J/Jay" considering Julian is sometimes called J. It was named before I even began, and quickly turned into a fic, not about Julian as I originally planned, or even Logan and his redemption, as I originally planned, but a fic centered around Derek and HIS redemption- and redemption, I suppose, in general.

2. I tried desperately to keep everything centered around Julian so my title would still apply. But the main idea really, in the earlier chapters at least, is that the characters are desperately trying to do what J is telling them to do. And so in my head, all their actions are in a way, for him, in attempt to save him- and to honor his memory if he is really gone.

Righty-o. This is absurdly long now. You're probably not reading this. ;) So on with the good stuff, eh?

Disclaimer: I'm seriously not CP Coulter so I don't own Dalton or these characters. But sometimes I pretend I do and we have little tea parties 3

* * *

><p>Julian. It was Julian.<p>

Logan was the first one to act. He furiously kicked open the door and rushed into the cabin, despite Derek's warning shout, and Casey's shriek. Derek had no choice but to follow. That was Julian in there—Jules, that dumbass with the sunglasses, that asshole who made him run lines and helped him out with his English homework. And something looked horribly wrong with him. Derek had to—he had to do something.

He stumbled in toward his friends and shined the light on Logan and Julian. He collapsed onto his knees next to Logan, who was bent over the actor's body, trembling and cursing. Julian was not moving, but he was breathing. He was alive.

"I'll look for a light," Casey's quivering voice came from behind and her footsteps echoed in his head, as she searched along the wall for a switch. Derek clumsily kept the light on Julian, hand shaking.

"Jules…fuck…say something," Logan ran his hands in Julian's hair, pressed his forehead against Julian's. "Please, please tell me what an asshole I am."

"What's wrong with him?" Derek asked hoarsely. "There's blood all over him."

"His head," Logan ran a hand lightly over a gash in their friend's forehead, where the dried blood caked. "Give me the flashlight, Derek, I—I need to see this better."

But Derek didn't have to. The lights came on with a tiny click.

"Casey—" Derek lifted his head, and his heart dropped. A boy stood on the other side of the cabin, an arm crushing Casey into him by her neck, the other holding a gun to her head. Casey did not struggle—she was too smart for that and probably too terrified. She simply gripped the boy's arm with her hands tightly, her eyes wide, staring at him.

And he—he could only stare back.

"Logan," Derek's voice was tight. His chest felt like it was going to explode. "Logan…"

Logan looked up from where he was tending the bleeding, dazed—but now conscious—Julian Larson, and his body turned to stone at the sight of the gun and the boy and Casey in his arms.

"Julian, you said you didn't tell them you were here," the boy sounded very upset, like he was going to cry. "You promised me you didn't tell anyone! That we would be safe!"

Julian was stirring, and his mouth moved, but no words or sounds came out of them.

"Move away from him," the boy advanced, gun still pointing. "Both of you. You heard me."

Logan did not back away. "And who the fuck are you?" He spat. "Why the fuck have you been keeping Julian here?"

"I'm not keeping him here. He wanted to come. He suggested we come here. He told me no one would find us," the boy smiled wide, eyes bright. "And he was right—I've been alone with Julian Larson-Armstrong for two whole weeks. Of course you'd want to come and ruin it though."

Shit. Of course. Oh shit. Derek ran a hand through his hair as it hit him, full speed. This boy was Julian's stalker—and not only that, but he was the Hanover boy. He was the boy who saved Julian at the Valentine's Fair, who had acted so kind and considerate and had managed to weasel his way into Julian's "Okay-you're-not-horrible-I'll-tolerate you" category of people. And out of all the people in the whole world, it was him, the smiling boy bearing a simple sandwich.

"Look…Adam, isn't it?" Derek said slowly and flinched as soon as Adam's attention turned to him, though the gun stayed pressed against Casey's head. "Am I right?"

"Yeah," he said bluntly.

"We didn't come to take Julian away from you," he spoke as slowly and clearly as he could. "We were just worried about him. Since he didn't leave any notes for us—nothing at all—we've just been checking his different residences. We're his friends, that's all."

Adam's eyes flashed. "I'm not stupid, y'know! Please! _Friends!_" He exclaimed, laughing madly. "You're not Julian's _friends!_ You're the assholes who he has to put up with! You don't understand him at all—you don't appreciate him—and that's why I had to get him away from you."

"You're insane," Logan stood up, eyes glinting dangerously. "And you're fucking wrong. I understand Julian more than you will ever hope to." The gun turned to him and he lifted his arms out wide. "Go ahead and shoot me, motherfucker. You've already taken Julian away from me and put me in hell for two weeks. I'm sure I can handle a bullet after that."

"Logan, are you crazy? Shut the fuck up!" Derek hissed.

"No," Logan breathed in deep. "I'm not scared of him. I'm not scared of anything," he reached into his pocket and pulled out a phone. "See this, Adam? I'm calling the police."

The gun turned back to Casey without a word and Adam simply smiled. "That's really not the best idea, Logan. Of course, you would gamble someone else's life away. You're that type of person. You only think about you, you only care about you. But this isn't about you."

Logan dropped the phone immediately and it clattered to the floor, where Derek's heart lay

"What's it about then?" Logan asked. "Is this about you and your fucked-up fantasy or something?"

"It's about Julian, dumbass! Of course, who else?" Adam chuckled. "It's why we're all here! For our good friend! For our Jules. For J. All for J," he cocked the gun and looked down at where Julian was lying like a discarded doll on the floor. "Doesn't he look beautiful?"

For J. Yeah, it had been all for him. But not anymore—now it was all for Casey.

"Tell me what you want," Derek pleaded hoarsely. "What do you want us to do, Adam? I'll do anything at all, if you just let Casey go. Please."

"Just shut up, Derek," Casey was shaking and she squeezed her eyes shut. "I can take care of myself, remember?"

"Yeah, well I _can't_."

Adam looked annoyed and shifted his weight from foot to foot. " It doesn't matter what I want. It's not about me, remember?" his face contorted and he gripped the gun even tighter. "I…I'm going to have to kill you all. I…I have to—I don't want to but—it's for Julian."

Time instantly slowed down and no one dared to move.

"Look, you don't have to do that," Logan spoke carefully but his voice was filled with obvious fear. "You have a choice, Adam. A choice to let us go."

Adam tightened his grip around Casey, squeezing a whimper out of the frightened girl. "I don't think you understand—You don't get it, do you? You don't get it!"

"No, I really fucking don't," Logan said.

"I'm in love with Julian! I will do anything for him!" Adam's voice rose several pitches, until he was shrieking. "He loves me too. He's told me over and over these past two weeks. And to think, Logan, he thought he was in love with YOU! Of all the potential people at Dalton, he picked you. I had to wake Julian up and show him what real love was. And now that he realizes how foolish he was, he'll do anything for me. That's love! You wouldn't know it, of course, but that's what it is! And this is what I have to do, to protect us!"

Logan swallowed. "…you're right. I don't know what love is. But I care about Julian in ways that I never knew I would. You taking him away from me was the best possible thing for me, you know? You made me realize how much I needed him. You forced me to see all that he is. And I hope Julian can…forgive me…for not seeing it before."

"It doesn't matter! It's too late!" Adam cried. "You're two weeks too late! You're three years too late, actually! Julian gave you his greatest gift and just because you see it now doesn't mean you get to keep it. It's _mine_ now. "

"It's never too late to try and save someone you love," Logan said calmly. "It's not too late for anything. You don't have to kill us."

"Y-yes," Adam's eyes were as large as the moon, his face white—but Derek could see he was determined, no matter how much his hand shook. "If I don't k-kill you, then Julian and I can't be together." He put the gun back to Casey's head, his finger trembling over the trigger. "I'll kill you first."

Casey shrieked, gripped at his arm tighter, her fingernails digging into Adam's skin as her tears—tears that she had been holding in, with her breathe, her heartbeat, her fear—finally rolled down her cheeks.

Derek collapsed onto his knees. "NO! No, Adam, please, I'm begging you, don't," he sobbed and pounded the ground pointlessly with his fist. "I will give you _anything_—"

Adam shook his head. "I'm sorry. I have to. I'm sorry…" His finger rested on the trigger and he took a huge, sweeping breath.

"I forgive you."

Adam blinked. "Wh-what did you say?"

Casey swallowed and her eyes fluttered open. Taking a shaky breath, she shook her head a little. "It's okay, Adam." She hiccupped and smiled softly. Sadly. "I—I forgive you."

The expression on Adam's face was indescribable. "I—b-but I'm… going to kill you."

"I know, I know," And the tears ran faster then ever down her face, but she was still smiling and her hands no longer desperately gripped and clawed at Adam's arm. "And I'm f-fucking scared out of my mind. I don't want to die. I don't want you to kill me. But I forgive you for it, okay? J-just don't…fuck it up, o-okay? Please, just make it f-fast."

"I don't understand," Adam simply whispered. "I'm going to blow your head off. You're supposed to hate me.

"No, no, no. I love you," Casey cried harder. "I love everyone in this room more than I've ever loved anyone. I don't want to die," she wept, "I love you all so much."

The air in the cabin felt heavy and still. It clung to everything—to Derek's skin, to the gun, but especially to Casey's words. They were the only things that breathed and moved and lived; everything else was frozen. Derek's own tears grew cold on his cheeks and he gazed at Casey, still the strongest person he would ever know, especially now, when she loved the worst of them. The damaged, the obsessed, the cowards and the ignorant. They were all in this room and Casey cried for them all.

Adam white, pale face rushed with blood. Tears sprang to his eyes as he cocked the gun again, breaking the silence and dashing Derek's last surviving crumb of hope. With a strangled sound, he pulled Casey close to him, his arm crushing against her neck, obstructing the sounds of her weeping and jammed the gun against her skull. This was it. Adam breathed heavily and his body quaked violently, his eyes closed—

He dropped the gun.

"I—_can't."_

The gun clattered to the floor and Adam went with it, sliding down Casey's frame, sobs ripping from his chest as he tore at his face and his chest with anguished cries. The air moved again and Derek could breathe.

"Julian!" Adam cried over and over as his own hands went tearing into his face. Casey grabbed them and he quickly clung to her, burying herself in her lap.

"It's okay," Casey whispered to him and her trembling arms cradled his head close to her breast.

It was over.

* * *

><p>The cops arrived only three minutes after. Julian, lying bloodied and supposedly helpless on the ground, had been fucking acting, and he had dialed them on Logan's dropped phone.<p>

His injuries, however, were real. When he thought that Derek and Logan had not understood his messages, he had attempted to escape on his own and Adam had beaten him with the gun. The ambulance took him and the rest of them all away to the closest hospital available.

They had to pry Adam away from Casey. And she was still whispering to the boy long after he had gone, as they wrapped a blanket around her and placed her into Derek's arms.

He held her throughout the ride, arms loose around her body, lips lost in her hair as he kissed and kissed the darkening bruise on her temple, where the gun had rested coldly. Thinking of it made his arms tremble. He wanted nothing more than to hold her as tight to him as possible and never let go, but he was much more scared of scaring and breaking her if he tried. But she folded into him, curled so close to him that she thrummed with his heart, and she didn't move until they arrived.

He lost her then. They took her away, rushing her into a room and assuring him that she was in capable hands. He was handed the phone and asked to call his parents, his teachers, and then to stay put and answer questions from the police.

It passed in one endless blur, auto-pilot from start to finish. He couldn't recall his conversations with half of the people with whom he had talked. He didn't care to.

Finally, he was escorted to Julian's room, Logan already inside.

"You look like you've been held at gunpoint by a crazy, obsessed fan of mine," Julian commented dryly and at Derek's raised eyebrow, he shrugged."Too soon?"

"You have a lot to explain, you goddamn drama queen," Derek sighed and sat down in a chair by Julian's bed. "You have no idea how worried we were about you."

"I'm sorry, Mom," Julian mumbled.

"Julian, seriously," Logan murmured on the other side. "I'm tired of your games."

"I know," Julian sighed. "I know, I know. I'm sorry. It wasn't my game," he crushed his hands against his eyes and blinked blearily. "But I've been fucking playing along for two weeks and I don't know how to stop. I don't know…what's real. I keep…seeing him a-and hearing him, and I've got to say my lines right and convince him that I mean every word or... "

They all fall silent. The "Golden Trio" was in ruins, Derek could see that. Julian didn't just get his head bashed in, Adam did other things too. Horrible things. Who knew what. Derek was scared to think about it.

"You're safe," Derek whispered. "You can be real with us."

"How do I fucking know that?"

Logan tensed on the side, his fingers lacing together tight. He bowed his head. "What do you mean?"

"This isn't real. You guys feel like a dream right now…everything before Adam…feels like it happened to someone else," Julian stared down at his hands.

"Everything?" Logan lifted his head. His green eyes were dark and desperate.

Julian did not look up. "Pretty much, yeah…"

"Jules," Logan said, voice strong. "Look at me."

Julian did not move.

"_Julian_."

His eyes darted to the side and back again.

Logan's hands clenched. "Julian, look at me, you asshole!"

Julian turned his head and glared, "Leave me alo—"

Logan was out of his seat in that second, capturing a kiss from the unsuspecting Julian, his hands on either side of the actor's face. Julian gasped softly into the prefect's mouth.

"Holy shit," Derek leaned back in his chair, just as surprised as Julian was by Logan's…pounce. He was unsure what to do—if he should cover his eyes or leave or…applaud them or something. He gripped at the arms of his chair and waited until Logan pulled away.

"Sorry, J, but I'm terribly in love with you," Logan whispered, brushing Julian's hair out of his face. "I hope you remember that you love me too. Because fuck…nothing's ever felt more real to me."

Julian gripped Logan's arm harder, making it impossible for the blonde to pull away. "Don't—don't leave" He whimpered. And he tugged Logan back down and kissed him again.

Okay, shit this really was getting awkward now. Derek squirmed in his chair. He was definitely happy for them, but he had not thought about what was going to happen if Julian and Logan ever did end up—well—doing what they were doing. He realized now that he had suddenly become a third wheel and that watching his two best friends make out was like watching the Brightman twins sleep. It was unnerving, too calm and nice to possibly last. He kept waiting for Logan to…bite Julian and for Julian to bite back.

After a minute, Derek could hardly stand it anymore. "GUYS!" he bellowed, making the two jump and separate. They looked at him, both of their eyes dazed, expressions lost in a place he was not invited to.

"Look…sorry, I mean, this is awesome and all—I'm seriously happy you finally got on with it—but we still don't know what the fuck happened, Logan, and I really want some answers."

Julian's face blanched all over again. "I…really don't want to talk about it."

Logan intertwined his fingers with Julian's. "Just tell us what you can. How did it start?"

Julian shuddered and breathed shakily, gripping at Logan's hand like it was his lifeline, keeping him from sinking back to the places where Adam haunted him. "He threatened Logan," he finally said with a heavy sigh. "That's when it started. I got this…this note. I'd always gotten notes, but this one was different. He had gone into _Logan's_ room and gotten all these pictures of him and the Warblers, and him and Blaine and the fencing team—as many as he probably could carry…and—they were all over my room. He scattered them all over the place and they were all ruined. Written on and torn and burned. And on my desk…" Julian's eyes grew dark at the memory. "There was the note. It had a time. A place. He said that if I didn't show up, he was going to kill you."

Logan's jaw was clenched in frustration. "You didn't even think about telling us? Or, at the very least, an adult?"

"I didn't think, okay? I thought he was going to hurt you—I had no idea who this asshole was, what he could do, but I knew he...he would try to hurt you if he could," tears sprang to Julian's eyes and he ran a hand over his face. "I should have told someone. But I didn't. I went to the bench between Stuart and Windsor after lunch, hoping to just face the person and kick his or her ass. But it was Adam and he had a gun and fuck, I couldn't believe it. And he told me we were going to leave. It got out of control so fast—he forced me back to Stuart and I was packing up before I knew it. He asked me where we could go where we would be safe from everyone—Forgiveness just popped into my head. And while he was looking for directions..that's when I wrote the note for my room, shoving it in my drawer when he asked for a piece of paper to write things down on."

"And what about my note? How'd you get it in my room?" Logan asked quietly.

"I didn't. I set it in a stack of your sheet music that was sitting in my room. The song you had practiced with me," Julian murmured. "I knew you'd come in and get it after Warbler's practice."

Logan cursed silently under his breath and Derek could see the guilt on his face. Logan hadn't gone in to retrieve that sheet music for the six days Julian was missing. He hadn't even thought about that particular song until then, and it wasn't even for any important Warbler function. He subtly pulled his hand away from Julian to rub his eyes, but did not set it back down again. He kept his hands hiding his ashamed face.

Derek looked away from Logan. Guilt was never a pretty sight on a face, even one as pretty as Logan's. He still has questions. And the most important one of all was coming up.

"What about Casey's note and mine?" Derek asked. "No way you went all the way to Dobry—"

"I mailed those," Julian broke in tiredly. "Adam drove. I sat and wrote. It wasn't unusual for me, he didn't think I was thinking of ways to get the hell out of this situation. But I used my phone—I was getting all those texts from you, Derek, so I convinced him I should get a new one, so you two wouldn't invade the perfect life Adam and I were going to have," he was smiling at the thought, in a strange, fond way, like it was an old friend he was remembering. "When we stopped to buy me the phone, that's when I dropped it in a mailbox, with the number included."

"Why'd you tell Casey to wait a week before calling me?" was his next question.

"I had to make sure we were going to get there before you came looking," Julian answered.

Derek nodded. "Just one more question…why Casey?"

This was not a question that Julian was expecting. He frowned. "What do you…mean?"

"You could have sent the letter to Bailey or Justin or, hell, even a Windsor—but you sent it to Casey. You got Casey involved," why was his voice suddenly shaking and why was he mad at Julian? He tried to still the bubbling rage, but it was already too hot. "Why the hell did you get her involved?"

Derek's rage didn't bother Julian. It only made him half-smile in his curious-cat kind of way, a glimmer of his old self appearing in his eyes. "You wouldn't have listened to anyone else, Derek. I knew you were going to…to need someone else if Logan didn't come through…" his eyes awkwardly slid toward Logan's hunched form. "If Logan ended up…not caring or not taking it seriously, I knew that Casey would help you through it."

It was then that the door opened abruptly. Derek looked up and saw a nurse.

"Phone call for Mr. Logan Wright," she said. "It's your father on the phone."

Panic exploded in Julian's eyes. "No—don't—don't leave. _Please._"

Logan slowly stood up "I have to talk to him. I promise, I'll be back in a minute." He leaned down and kissed Julian again, long and loving, intertwining their hands once more. He was gone right after the kiss was finished.

Julian stared after him and after a few seconds of silence, he went back to staring at his hands.

Derek wished he knew what to say. Part of him really wanted to ask Julian what the hell Adam had done to him, but he was scared of the answer. The other part wanted to know if he was going to be the same ever again. The look in his eyes, scared and unstable, was haunting and not the Julian that Derek knew.

"So where is Casey?" Julian asked after a minute. "And why aren't you with her?"

"I'm with you right now," Derek answered easily, though it was a lie. If he could be with her, he would be.

Julian knew that and he let out a derisive snort. "Believe me, Derek. I know what it's like…to be in hell," he paused, licking his dry lips, "and to know it would hurt a whole lot less if that one person was with you. I'm not that someone for you."

"Casey doesn't want anything to do with me," Derek said.

Julian half-smiled again. "I think you're wrong."

* * *

><p>He went looking for Casey, but he could not find her anywhere. Even when he asked, he could not receive an answer from any of the doctors or nurses. He began to think that she had been mysteriously checked out by her parents and taken home, but just when he gave up, there she was.<p>

He walked outside and found her sitting against the wall of the hospital, blankets wrapped firmly around her, an abandoned cup of coffee a foot from her body. She simply stared in front of her, exhausted, worn to her bones. He cautiously slid down next to her. She did not react.

Ten minutes passed before she spoke first.

"Remember when," she looked straight on still, "when we were running? You ran behind me the whole way."

She meant right before they headed out to Forgiveness. "Yes, I remember."

"You never tried to pass me. You always did that before."

Before. Before when they were a them. Yeah—mornings of him speeding ahead of her, mocking her, tennis shoes pounding on the gravel, chasing her through trees, catching her and holding her and kissing her under morning skies. He remembered before.

"I realized right then, when you weren't passing me…that you're as scared of me now as I am of you."

Derek's heart began the inevitable sink to heartbreak. "Scared of me?"

She nodded. "Whenever you're around, I become this…this person I don't like. This girl who needs to _impress _you. I feel so pathetic and ugly and not good enough when I'm around you, like I'm not myself. Like I can't even trust myself because I still really, really, really, really like you."

The sky above them was starting to grow lighter, the sun stretching upward. It made no sense, the sun rising when it should sleep. To Derek, the night was still not done.

"I want to get over you, " Casey whispered. "So, so badly. I don't know why I can't."

They sat in silence again. She pulled the sheet tighter around her body and still did not look at him.

"Why did you cheat on me, Derek?"

He stared at the ground.

She kept talking. "I…kept looking for reasons myself. I wasn't pretty enough for you…I wasn't sexy enough. I wasn't funny enough or fast enough or smart enough. For a while, that's all I would think about, and it made me feel—" her voice caught in her throat—"it made me feel_ horrible_."

Derek wanted to go drown himself in a lake. She was crying again, silently, and he did not know what to say.

"I think I just need to know," she whispered. "I need to know why. I don't even care if it will hurt me more, I just want the truth. If it's because she was sexier than me or—"

"No," Derek said immediately. He bit his lip, shook his head and stared at her. "It wasn't because of that. Any of that. It was because everyone was expecting it," Derek wiped at his own tears in the corner of his eyes desperately, but he couldn't get rid of them. "I was that type of guy and everyone kept asking me when I was going to fuck it up and I got really scared that they were all right, that it was only a matter of time before I ruined it all. So I fucked it up. Because I'm a dumbass. Because I'm weak. You deserve so much better than me, Casey, but I _want _you," His voice broke. "I've wanted you ever since I saw you running my way and I'll never, ever stop."

Her hand reached out and took his gently, her skin smooth and perfect in his rough and calloused hands. "You _are_ a dumbass," she said, sniffing and wiping her tears on the blanket. "We're both dumbasses."

"Can't we be dumbasses together?"

Casey squeezed his hand. "I want to. But I can't trust you, Derek. Even though I really, really want to right now, I know I'll…just get myself hurt in the end. Because that's what we do. We hurt each other."

And here it was, the down-spiraling of it all. No matter what he said, or how he hoped, it would not heal the wound, the plague of his past deeds. But still Derek did hope. He couldn't give up. Not so long ago, he had been hers, and if there was even a minute chance he could make it happen again, he would. Derek wouldn't give up morning jogs and long car rides and citrus and gas station runs and moonpies and drinking games and love. Love love love. It had taken him two weeks and twenty hours in a car to find his way to it, but he had arrived. He was fucking in love, and for once, he wasn't going to hide it away inside another girl's mouth.

"I love you," he told her.

She wiped away a tear from his eye with her other hand. "I love you too."

"I'm _so sorry."_

She leaned in and pressed her lips against his cheek for a delicate moment, a whisper of emotion. He could feel here there, on his skin, smiling.

"I forgive you."

* * *

><p>Thank you so much for reading! I do hope you enjoyed this in some way, shape or form. If you want, you can review and tell me what yer thinking!<p> 


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